In general and with little exception, professional movie critics suck. I have absolutely nothing in common with some yuppie culture snob who thinks most blue-collar entertainment is too low-brow to inflict upon the rest of humanity. I can only read reviews from regular people, but even then it’s hard to tell. It’s like asking a liberal vegan homosexual to listen to the opinions of a bunch of Republican conservative Christians about the movie Passion of the Christ.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a site where people could read movie reviews from groups that they identify with? A site where you can filter reviews by a variety of values be they social, political, religious, geographical, or whatever. But until that happens, I can only provide movie reviews for the Steampunk community.
Here’s how Dr. Warthan’s movie/TV/music/whatever reviews work with some examples:
!½Ω – Not even half an Omega.
Because I needed something lower than the lowest score possible. A truely epic failure. A cataclysm of culture. They made it that bad on purpose just so they could watch you puke. They think it’s funny, but it’s gross and sick and nasty.
Two Girls, One Cup (supposed short film). Don’t watch that video. Instead, watch the public reaction (NSFW) to this “film”.
Ω – One Omega.
This movie sucks so bad, I couldn’t finish it. Can’t be unseen. It will haunt my dreams. I will warn all my friends not to see it. I will probably never forget the title of the movie for the rest of my life. The director needs to be shot. The movie made no positive contribution to society what-so-ever, except as an example of what not to do. Seriously, WTF?
THX 1138 (1971)
Repo Man (1984)
The Avengers (1998)
Eye of the Beholder (1999)
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Ω½ – One and one-half Omega.
Because it sucked just a little less. Maybe I giggled once in the entire movie. Perhaps I was compelled to watch it just to see how bad it was.
American Graffiti (1973)
Vanilla Sky (2001)
Lost In Translation (2003)
ΩΩ – Two Omega’s.
Not worth watching. The trailer and/or movie poster seriously misled me. The ending sucked. I wasted X amount of minutes of my life that I can never get back. I’ve seen worse. Was there really nothing else that I could have seen? If I took a date with me, I’m so not getting laid.
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Bridge to Terabithia (2007)
ΩΩ½ – Two and one-half Omega’s.
Amost a ΩΩΩ but then the ending tanked it.
The Break-Up (2006)
The Number 23 (2007)
ΩΩΩ – Three Omega’s.
Worth seeing once. Not bad. Not epic. No complaints. But now that I’ve seen it, it really doesn’t have any value. Most Romantic Comedies fit into this catagory. Hopefully, I didn’t waste money at the theater on this. Wait for it to come out on Netflix or Redbox.
Toy Story (1995)
Queen of the Damned (2002)
King Kong (2005)
ΩΩΩ½ – Three and one-half Omega’s.
Just a little better. Probably worth seeing more than once, but I’ll never buy it.
Cast Away (2000)
3:10 to Yuma (2007)
District 9 (2009)
Source Code (2011)
ΩΩΩΩ – Four Omega’s.
Worth seeing more than once. Pretty good. Enjoyable and fun. It is worthy to be seen again and to recommend to friends. If it goes on sale, I might even buy it.
Ever After – A Cinderella Story (1998)
Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999)
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)
ΩΩΩΩ½ – Four and one-half Omega’s.
So close to a ΩΩΩΩΩ. I may not get it on Blu-Ray, but I’ll certainly buy it on DVD or watch it given the opportunity.
Forbidden Planet (1956)
Army of Darkness (1992)
The Truman Show (1998)
Starship Troopers (1997)
Iron Man (2008)
The Dark Knight (2008)
How to Train Your Dragon (2010)
ΩΩΩΩΩ – Five Omega’s.
Epic movie of fantastic quality. I will definitely buy it on Blu-Ray and watch it over and over again. I love it and I don’t care what anyone else thinks because I’m making them watch it with me anyways. Get your popcorn on!
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
The Matrix Trilogy
Star Wars (II, III, IV, V, VI)
The Princess Bride (1987)
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Tron Legacy (2010)
Sucker Punch (2011)